Saddam Hussein Jokes

Okay, firstly, dont give me credit for these jokes because I just found them on some site, and thought Id copy and paste them over here so you lot can see them, well here they are:

Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman
"Saddam Husseins brother-in-law has been arrested by coalition forces. Thats good news. They acted on a tip from Saddam Hussein. ... Saddams three ex-wives have left the country, his brother-in-law has been arrested, boy we are really making his life a living hell arent we?" David Letterman
"The military said well be able to confirm Saddam is dead with DNA testing. Apparently we have an sample of his DNA. So Monica Lewinsky is working for the CIA?" Jay Leno

"We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq. The good news is Iraq is ours, and the bad news is Iraq is ours." David Letterman
"There are reports that Saddam has been spotted in central Baghdad. Parts of him were also spotted in northern Baghdad, eastern Baghdad and western Baghdad." Jay Leno
"It does not look good for Saddam Hussein and his sons. Yesterday we bombed the restaurant where they were eating and today I went on the Internet and they were selling pieces of Uday and Qusay on eBay." Jay Leno
"The big debate right now is if Saddam is alive or dead. Hes dead, then hes alive, then dead, then alive. Its just confusing. Today they showed videotape, and Saddam was speaking at his own funeral." David Letterman
"No one knows if Saddam is still alive. They keep showing old footage of him on TV saying that its live. You know, its like the same thing we do with #*@! Cheney." David Letterman
"We now have all of Saddams palaces and residences he has no place to live. If Saddam thinks Bush was hard on him before, wait until he sees how Republicans treat the homeless." Jay Leno
"There are now reports that Saddam Hussein was injured in the initial U.S. bombing and hes now receiving medical care in an underground bunker. In fact, he asked his doctors if he was going to live and they told him, "Oh yeah, absolutely, youll live until the Americans get here ... then youre screwed." Jay Leno
"Today a cruise missile blew up another part of Saddam Husseins presidential palace. Think about this, hes got yachts, hes got palaces, hes got luxury guards. No wonder why hes surrounded by the elite Republican Guard. Hes a Republican." Jay Leno
"New rumors that Saddam Hussein is planning to flee to a castle in Libya with 10 billion dollars. Now President Bush doesnt know whether to nuke him or give him a tax cut." Craig Kilborn
"Saddam Hussein in his interview with Dan Rather said he would rather die than leave his country in exile. Finally, something we can agree on, hed rather die and wed rather kill him." Jay Leno
"In a speech earlier today President Bush said if Iraq gets rid of Saddam Hussein, he will help the Iraqi people with food, medicine, supplies, housing, education anything thats needed. Isnt that amazing? He finally comes up with a domestic agenda and its for Iraq. Maybe we could bring that here if it works out." Jay Leno
"Saddam Hussein has told his people that U.S. troops will commit suicide when they get to the gates of Baghdad. Thats when you know you have a bad army, when your only hope for victory is that the enemys troops kill themselves." Jay Leno
"In an interview with Dan Rather, Saddam has challenged President Bush to a live, televised debate. I think this would be fair, since English is a second language to both of them." Jay Leno
"A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know Im thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag." David Letterman
"President Bushs approval rating has dropped another five points just in the last week. Its now down to 58 percent. Im not sure who should be more worried, Bush or Saddam Hussein." Jay Leno
"U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan says he can think of no reason to attack Iraq right now. I can think of five off the top of my head: Shell, Exxon, Mobil, Texaco and BP." Jay Leno
"President Bush said this Iraq situation looks like the rerun of a bad movie. Well sure, theres a Bush in the White House, the economys going to hell, were going to war over oil. Ive seen this movie, havent I?" Jay Leno
"In California, 50 women protested the impending war with Iraq by lying on the ground naked and spelling out the word peace. Right idea, wrong president." Jay Leno
"As we head to war with Iraq, President Bush wants to make one thing clear: This war is not about oil, its about gasoline." Jay Leno
"U.N. weapons inspectors found empty chemical warheads in Iraq. So, the question everyone is asking now is how did Sean Penn miss this?" Jay Leno
"According to military analysts, an invasion of Iraq by U.S. forces could cost between $20 and $50 billion. The Pentagon announced that it would offset those costs by referring to it as the Verizon Wireless/Pizza Hut War Against Iraq." Tina Fey, Saturday Night Lives "Weekend Update"
"Saddam Hussein has agreed to let UN weapons inspectors in Iraq. But he also said under no circumstances will Geraldo be let back in the country." Conan OBrien
"They are trying to get that crazy guy Saddam Hussein into exile. So far, the only offer he has is two weeks on Sean Penns couch." David Letterman
"The latest rumor is the United States is working behind the scenes to try to find a safe haven for Saddam Hussein. See if he agrees to step down and leave Iraq, we will relocate him. What a nightmare, where are you going to send a guy who thinks America is a nest of greedy imperialists intent on bleeding the third world of all their resources? I mean, besides Berkeley?" Jay Leno
"Some would argue that the president himself benefited from a form of affirmative action because as a C student, he only got into Yale because his father was a wealthy alumnus. But the White House counters that Saddam is a menace and must be stopped." Jon Stewart
"The bill gives the president the power to wage war on Iraq or, as President Bush calls it, "Operation Re-election." Jay Leno, on the vote in Congress to authorize war against Iraq
"President Bush gave his speech outlining the case against Iraq, and the Fox network was the only major network to televise the presidents address. Not surprisingly, Fox insisted on calling the speech When Presidents Attack." Conan OBrien
"Its like theyre the #*@! of evil." Jon Stewart, commenting on President Bushs de5cription of Iraq as a country that "gathers the most serious dangers of our age in one place"
"More and more information coming out on Saddam Hussein. We now know that he has, like, 24 presidential palaces. Each one of these palaces of Saddams has a dolphin pool and an amusement park. Well, if you didnt think this guy was creepy before now hes starting to sound like Michael Jackson." David Letterman
"President Bush is asking Congress for permission to wage war on Iraq. Some members of Congress are reluctant to go along with the plan so far. All Bush needs to do is remind these guys that, in Iraq, an adulterer gets stoned to death." Jay Leno
"What was left unclear...is what will happen after Saddam is gone? Democracy seems unlikely, so the hope is that Saddam will be replaced by a more pliable leader, someone we can work with to keep the country under control, maintain regional balance of power. Someone sympathetic, secular, someone like, oh...1982 Saddam." Jon Stewart
"More coming out about Saddam Hussein. We now know he takes Viagra and he has as many as six mistresses. No wonder Congress is reluctant to take action against this guy hes one of their own." Jay Leno
"Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. Thats bad news they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel." David Letterman
"Some Democrats say the estimated $60 billion dollar cost of a war with Iraq could be better spent at home. When he heard that, President Bush agreed and announced plans to bomb Ohio." Jay Leno
"President Bush said its now time for a change in Iraq and he wants them to have a Western-style democracy like ours. So right now in Iraq, the economy is collapsing, businessmen are corrupt, and Hussein wants his son to take over as president. Sounds like mission accomplished." Jay Leno
"Saddam Hussein has invited members from the U.S. Congress to visit Iraq. Man how stupid is Hussein? If you think Bush had incentive to bomb Iraq before, imagine if Congress was over there." Jay Leno
"The Bush administration said today there is a lot of support for us to attack Iraq. Exxon, Mobil, Texaco, Chevron, theyre all lining up." Jay Leno
"The Canadian government continues to say they will not help us if we go to war with Iraq. However, the prime minister of Canada said hed like to help, but hes pretty sure that last time he checked, Canada had no army." Conan OBrien
"Germany is now saying that they wont go along with an invasion of Iraq. However, they did say they would go along if the invasion included Poland, France and Belgium." Jay Leno
"A lot of controversy over this possible invasion of Iraq. In fact, Nelson Mandela was so upset, he called Bushs dad. How embarrassing, when world leaders start calling your father." Jay Leno
"Bush said he wants a change so that the people of Iraq will be allowed to choose their own leaders. Good luck, we cant even get the people of Florida to choose their own leaders." Jay Leno
"I never give my opinion on political matters, but before we bomb Iraq, lets wait two weeks until Geraldo is over there." Craig Kilborn
"The Bush administration has apparently approved a plan to oust Saddam Hussein. I think thats President Bushs Fathers Day gift to his Dad." Jay Leno
"Saddam Hussein has raised the amount going to suicide bombers from $10 thousand dollars to $25 thousand. Whats next, a health care plan?" Jay Leno
"The U.S. and several of our allies have been trying to secretly to convince Saddam Hussein to step down from power and go into exile forever. Its called Operation Al Gore." Jay Leno
"The New York Times is reporting that the Bush administration has a post-war plan to turn Iraq into a democracy. If the plan works it might be tried in Florida." Conan OBrien
"Congratulations to Saddam Hussein on being elected to another seven-year term. It was very close. He received 99 percent of the vote, and one percent of the vote went for last-minute candidate Frank Lautenberg." David Letterman
"Yesterday, Saddam Hussein got 100 percent of the vote. Well, thats according to Saddams campaign manager, Jeb Hussein." Jay Leno
"Heres something dreadful I heard about. You know these suicide bombers. Turns out Saddam Hussein is paying these people. Hes paying people money to blow themselves up. Isnt that nuts? Isnt that just bizarre? More bizarre than that, recently he increased their salary. The increase is $10,000 to $25,000 for a suicide bombing. Coincidentally, thats the same deal I signed up for with CBS." David Letterman
"Thanks for coming out on such a hot day. I was sweating like Saddam Hussein watching Bushs poll numbers drop." Jay Leno
"President Bush gave his speech outlining the case against Iraq, and the Fox network was the only major network to televise the presidents address. Not surprisingly, Fox insisted on calling the speech When Presidents Attack." Conan OBrien
"Its like theyre the #*@! of evil." Jon Stewart, commenting on President Bushs de5cription of Iraq as a country that "gathers the most serious dangers of our age in one place"
"Scores of Iraqi exiles met in London to discuss ways to overthrow Saddam Hussein in a grand gathering dubbed the Iraqi Military Alliance Meeting. Of course, these people are no longer Iraqi, they have no military, and there is no alliance. But they did have a meeting." Jon Stewart
"What was left unclear...is what will happen after Saddam is gone? Democracy seems unlikely, so the hope is that Saddam will be replaced by a more pliable leader, someone we can work with to keep the country under control, maintain regional balance of power. Someone sympathetic, secular, someone like, oh...1982 Saddam." Jon Stewart
"In a bizarre move, Saddam Hussein has released all prisoners being held in Iraqi jails. Isnt that amazing? Iraq has prisoners that are still alive." Jay Leno
"Isnt it funny how people say theyll never grow up to be their parents, then one day they look in the mirror and theyre moving aircraft carriers into the Gulf region?" from The Onions "question man" about President Bushs plans for war with Iraq
"The New York Times is reporting that President Bush now has a formal plan for attacking Iraq. They say the key to this plan is timing. As soon as Bushs popularity falls below 52 percent, then it goes into effect." Jay Leno, July 2002
~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman